I wrote this very long ago…I found it while packing up my things, preparing to move. It was printed out on a sheet of paper. This meant a great deal to me at the time and it’s incredible to be able to look back at it.
I am pulled in either direction, swinging erratically from side to side, unable to grasp the ledge beside me. At times both sides fight. I feel as though I am being pulled apart – each ledge desiring my presence. Then I swing once again. For I can not have both at once.
On one ledge stands Deception. Tantalizing, encouraging. It promises escape. It promises overbearing joy and relief. Yet the ledge is short. But it may be worth it. A vacation. No; to the other ledge I swing. There stands Face. The face of myself. The face of truth. It promises knowledge. It promises guidance. It promises answers and restoration. But the ledge is rough. Endless. It contains many sharp edges and loose terrain. The risk of injury is great. Face and Deception stare at each other blankly. I begin to swing back to the other side. I watch Face shrink into the distance. I know I may only have one. Without my weight, the rope will no longer swing. I will be stranded. There is no way to cross.
I turn to stare into the eyes of Deception. His eyes engulf me. I restore my gaze upon Face. But he is not the same. Face has become Agony. Surprised and afraid, I return my gaze to Deception. He has become Joy. The pendulum stops. I float amongst Joy’s presence. He offers his hand to me. Time stands still. My mind races. I look behind him; I start across what now appears to be a vast terrain of unsurmountable beauty – a vista of indescribable proportions. My hand begins to rise. I watch the breeze blow through the grass and trees. I feel it hit my face. I smell the bliss of the summer day and close my eyes. “Desire…” I whisper. “NO!” The word races through my skull. My eyes shoot open. I meet with the gaze of Deception. The vista turns to fire.
Time returns.
I begin to fall.
Horrified, I turn to Agony. With each second I grow closer. The pain within me builds. My hands tighten around the rope. My eyes seal shut. I brace myself and summon the strength. The swinging stops. The pain climaxes. I grow faint. The pain stops. A soothing essence brushes over me. My muscles relax. I slowly open my eyes. I stare into the eyes of Face. My vision shifts behind him. The terrain remains unchanged. Rocky, desolate, dangerous, vast. I look again at Face. He remains unchanged. I turn behind me. Deception smiles back. He beckons me closer. I behind to fall.
Face does nothing to aid me.
I stare below me. An endless abyss. There is no way off this pendulum but one of the two ledges. I look up as I start to rise. Above me lies Deception. His smile draws me closer. I am hypnotized by his gaze. “Relax…”. My thoughts cease. I stare blankly. My vision blurs. I can no longer see Deception. My eyes roll back. I begin to dream.